Past

Recently i have been thinking a lot again... about my PAST. Yes my past. I can never forget forget my [ast entirely so i wont try forgetting it. But the memories just haunts me deeply. And sometimes i teared... I cant  believe that my days in Sec School is like a dream. Those friends that were once so close to me seems so real but it turned out to be nothing at all. It took my 5 years to finally realise this fact. How harsh this truth was on me.. I was only 17 back then. But i know i cannot stop people entering my life because of this fact. I gotta keep trying and moving on. I know somehow out there there will be people who is willing to love me and want to. But i must put in the effort to make them my friends too. Im glad that i found jia yi, renee, keatty and jiashuyn in my year 1. And fiona. They make me feel like im a good friend again and can be one. I know i gotta keep holding on to friendships because they are the only thing that make me feel motivated while going to school and i need that. I can be alone sometimes but that when im alone i tend to think a lot and i hate this kind of feeling. Seeing those 2 friends in school, i gotta face it bravely. I have 2 more years in poly. And my bdae is coming.

The truth is i hate growing up. The real facts just kills me. Im trying to accept reality but i find it really hard. My world was always so beautiful since young. I do not have a negavtive view of the world though i always hear people saying : "OUT THERE, THE REAL WORLD IS CRUEL." I never understood what it means.. cruel meaning that there are bad people? But to what extent. i never knew the exact meaning.. but recently, i understood part of it. Guys play a big role in it. They can do anything to get what they want. And i cant accept it. They are like wild animals. Going after what they want so fast.. and determine to get it. I tried to save the girl but she decided to pit into the hole. I gotta put down the bitterness towards him as christ did for me. Im not worthy of christ but yet he did it for me. What would jesus do now? I have to learn to be gentle, compassion towards him. It is hard. BUT IM GOING TO TRY... AND TRY. till i succeed. God please soften my heart.. i want to be a loving and kind abigail. I want to spread genuine love to people and help those in need. There are so many people suffering out there and i gotta be stronger.. Please ease my heart god.